With thanks to the following lists for inspiration:
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… A hamburger without beetroot? Are you crazy?
… Thongs are worn on the feet. Obviously.
… You’ve ever been accused of telling porkies.
… Ah, shudduppa ya face!
… Tom Burlinson is the Man from Snowy River.
… You drink water and beer chilled, but usually neither with ice or at room temperature.
… Aim for two and five.
… Small talk about the weather often includes sharing predictions for Fire Danger Ratings on upcoming days.
… Ugg boots are perfectly sensible streetwear.
… You frequently get hot water out of the cold tap in summer.
… All famous Kiwis are really Australian somehow, until they stuff up, at which point they become Kiwis again.
… Water conservation isn’t something you give much thought to, it’s just a habitual fact of life.
… All public transport timetables are a work of fiction.
… Whatever the tourist books say, you know that no-one says “cobber”, “dinky-di”, “true blue”, or “sheila”.
… In primary school, you were beaten over the head with guilt about the Stolen Generation.
… As a child, you drunk your tea/coffee/ice coffee/Milo through a Tim Tam.
… You can identify which state (or nearby Island, such as New Zealand or Tasmania) someone comes from by their accent.
… They’re all called chips, whether hot or cold.
… When reading about ways to save water, you have to frown in wonder that there are some people out there who don’t turn the tap off when they brush their teeth.
… You learnt about the War twice a year, memorised poems, got up at the crack of dawn, and made red paper flowers on popsticks to plant.
… Backyard Cricket can be played on the beach, at the park, on the street, in a classroom, and in the living room.
… You worry about having to cancel that barbeque on the weekend because it’s a Total Fire Ban day.
… It’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
… You talk about going “into the City”, even if you live less than 5 minutes from the CBD.
… Please, don’t attempt an Australian accent. You’ll fail, sound stupid, and it’s insulting to us.
… You know the Ning Nang Nong.
… It’s 31° and you can see men roaming the streets in long trousers and long-sleeved shirts.
… There’s a member of the senate from the Motoring Enthusiasts Party.
… Your favourite fizzy drink is either orange juice mixed with lemonade, or Bundaburg’s Ginger Beer.
… When returning from overseas, you naturally expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs… just in case you’re trying to sneak in fruit.
… You get near-boiling water from the cold tap.
… Being a barista is more impressive than being a barrister.
… You’re not entirely certain how preferential voting works.
… When you turn on the TV, you have just as much chance of finding a British, Kiwi, or Canadian show as an Australian or American one.
… Your school principal and most of your teachers are your friends on FaceBook (and you have several mutual friends, not school-related).
… Doctor Who is on Channel Two.
… Christmas usually falls on a 40+° day, but you still eat roast turkey, send Christmas cards with pictures of snowmen, and sing about a white Christmas and sleigh rides.
… You send your teacher joke or chain e-mails.
… Every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian and sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
… You’ve heard of Waikikimukau, but can’t get anyone to answer you honestly if it’s a real town.
… Non-mandatory voting seems barbarian and un-democratic.
… You step out into 41° heat and think how cool it is.
… In primary school, you made dot-painting native Australian animals by means of cotton buds.
… You drive on the left-hand side of the road. I don’t care if you drive on the right side, it’s still the wrong side!
… Which window are they going to look through today?
… Your mind boggles at the thought of someone not being able to swim.
… Drop bears are real. Seriously. You know, the other day, I was driving along, and this thing dropped out of the tree onto my car, claws everywhere, and put a dent in the bonnet! Fair dinkum!
… Who cares about Area 51? We have Woomera! And we can drive through it at will (well, parts of it, anyway. It is roughly the size of England, after all).
… You’ve ever waited for the bus at 7:15am and noticed that the thermometer read 42°.
… Easter bunny? Has the bilby retired or something?
… “Woolloomooloo” is a perfectly reasonably name for a town.
… Eating salty black stuff that looks like congealed motor oil and can be used as the base to make beer on your toast is perfectly natural.
… Yeah, no, I can’t think of any more, but.
… Even if you’re monolingual, you’re still able to order takeaway fluently in the appropriate Asian language.
… You know what a howling (snorting) koala sounds like, and you understand that the bloodcurling screams are in fact possums, not small children being tortured.
… Air raid sirens are familiar to you, because they’re still used by the local CFS (or equivalent) to call the volunteers in.
… Every suburb has a Maccas and a Salvos.
… You’ve ever had your entire year level herded onto the school oval and hosed down.
… Only poor people don’t dry their clothes on a washing line.
… You eat a meat pie from a paper bag.
… Everyone you ask in Australia says they’ve never been overseas, but no matter what country you go to, you find an Australian.
… You find yourself ignorant of almost all of the facts deemed essential in the government’s new test for migrants.
… “Excuse me” can sound rude, while “scuze me” is always polite.
… You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem, and then have trouble remembering the second.
… You get through summer with Zooper Doopers and lemonade icypoles.
… Footy is played with an oval ball, soccer is played with a round ball, Gridiron is that weird one with armour (that they play in America), and rugby is what real men play. Anything else is just not cricket. Speaking of which…
… Five-nil, England. Five-nil.
… You grew up on Don Spencer, Peter Coombe, and Colin Buchanan.
… Having a public holiday for the Queen’s Birthday on a day that isn’t actually her birthday is perfectly sensible.
… You have 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
… In summer, the seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
… You’ve ever stood in a National Park and pointed at a random tree just to see how many foreigners stop to try to spot the (imaginary) koala.
… Ginger Beer is the best fizzy drink in existence, but only Bundaburgs. The rest is rubbish.
… You have milk with your milo, not milo with your milk.
… It makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns, and sheep.
… You know how to make Vegemite worms with Vita Wheats.
… It’s a bum bag, not a fanny pack. Do you even know what “fanny” means?
… You firmly believe that Australia has beaten England and every single sport they’ve ever played them at.
… It’s not all that crazy to fry an egg on the slippery-dip. You’ve actually done it.
… You know a local place where you can buy a steak (or chicken schnitzel) twice the size of your head for $5.
… It’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
… The most appropriate way to observe Australia Day is to have a barbeque and go swimming, possibly at the beach. (Military parades? What?)
… You know the difference between “ass” and “arse”.
… It’s perfectly sensible to cry over spilt milk when it’s a Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee.
… You know the difference between lamingtons and jelly cakes.
… It’s very important to have a fire plan, but you’re not entirely certain what yours is.
… You know the meaning of the word “girt”.
… Men cook the barbeque. Women make the salad people actually eat.
… You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasion via the nose.
… It irks you that the Wii displays falling snow when it’s a 45° day. Rub it in my face, why don’t you?
… “Not happy, Jan!”
… Part of your getting-ready-for-bed ritual in summer includes spraying/rolling copious amounts of Aeroguard onto every inch of your body.
… You know when your local fire ban season is, and you’re conscious about checking if it’s a Total Fire Ban Day in the morning, particularly if you’re planning on hosting a barbeque.
… Paying $20 for a banana is an expected fact of life which pops up every few years.
… You live in Bullamakanka, Ooni-Woop-Woop, the Back of Bourke (or Beyond), or simply the Middle of Nowhere.
… Please don’t call me a koala bear, ‘coz I’m not a bear at all!
… You only ever go to Bunnings for the sausage sizzle.
… When you order a steak or schnitzel, you automatically assume it comes with seasonal vegetables and/or salad.
… In summer, you go to the supermarket or the pictures just to spend some time in the airconditioning.
… You order a chicken salad sandwich and expect to see actual salad (including lettuce, cheese, carrot, cucumber, tomato, and beetroot) between your bread, not just a ridiculous amount of mayo-doused meat.
… Reduce, re-use, recycle.
… Slip, slop, slap.
… You played Continuous Cricket and Rounders at school.
… Seriously, has anyone ever barbequed shrimp? Does anyone actually eat shrimp?
… You refer to other nations by nicknames, but it’s usually not intended to be offensive unless you stick “bloody” or “whingeing” in front of it.
… Skippy… Skippy… Skippy the bush kangaroo… Skippy… Skippy… Skippy, a friend ever true.
… You refuse to watch “the Wiggles” or “Hi-5” with anyone but the original cast.
… “Smart casual” refers to a pair of black tracky-dacks, suitably laundered.
… You rock up to meetings.
… Slip, slop, slap. (Forget slide, seek shade. Who added that, anyway?).
… You see people going barefoot on the footpath and don’t turn your nose up at them, because you’re doing it, too.
… Snow is a memorable and freakish occurrence. Sometimes it’s even fake, but it’s always guaranteed to get the news crews out.
… You shake your head in horror when companies try to market “ANZAC cookies”.
… “The following programme is rated PG for parent guidance. It contains strong language.”
… You’re secretly proud of the killer wildlife, even though you don’t care that it exists and don’t much think about it except when you’re trying to scare foreigners.
… Stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
… The Kiwis did not invent Pavlova, and don’t let them tell you otherwise.
… You sleep under a doona.
… Swinging on the washing line is more fun than the swings.
… You spent your childhood eating fairy bread at parties and fairy floss at the Show.
… 10¢ refund when sold in SA.
… You still don’t get why there’s not “U” in the “Labor” of “Australian Labor Party”.
… The “L” in the word “Australia” is optional.
… You think in metric, because Imperial is rubbish… But you’ll still say something’s “miles away”.
… The appropriate response to someone coughing is “Robitussin!”
… You understand that “Wagga Wagga” can be abbreviated to “Wagga”, but “Woy Woy” can’t be called “Woy”.
… The global financial crisis and recession lasted about a week. It involved economic growth.
… You wet your shirt before you put it on, and it’s dry in five minutes.
… The Kiwis did not invent Pavlova.
… Your best friend is “a total bastard”, but someone you really, truly despise is just “a bit of a bastard”.
… When it gets hot, you close the doors, draw the curtains, and turn the light off.
… You wince, snigger, or choke, when you hear about an American “rooting for his team”.
… The live thing’s a chook, the thing you eat is chicken.
… You’re familiar with both British and American spelling conventions, but depending on your age and primary school teacher, you may strongly prefer the British.
… The more you shorten someone’s name, the more you like them.
… You’ve watched and are familiar with “My Place”, “Dance Academy”, “Blue Water High”, “Mortified”, and “Nowhere Boys”.
… The plural of “you” is “youse” (or “yez”, if you live in Bullamakanka).
… You’ve ever argued with your teacher over which footy team you support.
… “The Snow” is a holiday destination and a proper noun. It’s located in “The Snowy Mountains”.
… You’ve ever chucked a youie.
… The staple diet is meat and three veg. Meat and potatoes? Forget it. Potatoes aren’t vegetables…
… You’ve ever spilt water on the ground just to watch it evaporate.
… The Wagon Wheel becomes smaller each year.
… You’ve ever wagged school because you were crook.
… There’s a bear in there… and a chair as well… there are people with games… and stories to tell… open wide… come inside… it’s PLAYSCHOOL!
… You’ve had school cancelled because of strikes and teacher training days, but if it’s 47° in the shade with no viable air conditioning within the school, you’ve just got to suck it up and get over it.
… There’s nothing strange or illogical about having a $1 coin that’s twice as big as the $2 coin.
… You’ve found yourself saying the words, “Just chuck my swag and my drizabone in the ute.
… “Looka moy! Looka maaaooy!”
… You try for two and five a day.
… You have a preferred brand of insect repellent.
… Yep, we are DEFINATELY part of Europe. That’s why we’re in Eurovision.
… You send an e-mail to your teacher which begins, “To Mr. Gazza, as I’ve been a tad crook the last few days…”
… You get why I’m posting this today.