What’s Happened?

Well, I haven’t been on in a while for one reason or another, but here is a little bit about what has been happening (not necessarily to me).

While the rest of the world was distracted by the soccer, some of us have been watching the other news. For those of you who missed it due to being inundated by soccer-related news and Google doodles, here are a few highlights.

– The hockey world cup (which Australia won, again)

– The Tour de France (and its requisite epic crash)

– Escalating hatred and violence towards cyclists on Australian roads

– The asylum seekers who got deported to Sri Lanka… maybe… if they ever existed at all (which they did, but not officially)

– Wimbledon (and the Australian teenager who beat Rafael Nadal)

– and the swiftly-approaching Commonwealth Games.

Speaking of which, it seems as though a new sport has been added to this year’s repertoire (and I don’t mean something silly, like Gridiron. Or wintersports, since we can’t, after all, give Canada an unfair advantage such as Australia already enjoys – being both a very large nation [once you eliminate the US and break the UK up into separate countries] and great at watersports).

Anyway, back on track. This new sport of which I speak, what is it? Well, it’s the ‘Worst Uniform Competition’.

I’m serious. I mean, it was painful enough when Australia revealed its uniform… in five clashing shades of green and a couple of shades of peuce-y grey.

(Even the athletes weren’t particularly pleased with it, unlike those of some of the other nations which will be mentioned shortly.)

Then Malaysia came along with their tiger-inspired uniforms.

The Malaysian uniforms are sharp, like a Tiger's claw or glass of 100 per cent orange juice.

And then Scotland revealed theirs.

The parade uniform for Team Scotland

Okay, it’s got to be said that Scotland’s uniform doesn’t actually look too bad from a distance. But then you get up close, and you can see that a spider has come along and puked cobalt-blue web all over their shirts and dresses.

Apparently this pattern is flag-inspired, which I don’t quite understand, since surely a ‘flag-inspired’ pattern would be white checks on a royal blue background? Either way, up close, the tartan – in ‘turquoise’, ‘fuscia’, and ‘caramel’, apparently – clashes with the shirts.

So, what about Canada? They’re close enough to stern, war-mongering America that they shouldn’t get caught up in Commonwealth joviality (and, if we’re being honest, colourblind silliness), right?

Well, at first glance, their uniforms seem pretty sensible, a tried-and-true flag-themed ski suit.

Even if they do look rather like Team England’s uniforms.

But you can’t blame the Canadians for that, after all, because everyone knows that red and white are their colours. They don’t really have any other colours to fall back on, unlike English, who seem apparently to think that St George’s red cross on a white background gives them a right to the colours.

That aside, it’s on closer inspection that Canada’s uniforms fall into the realms of Commonwealth craziness with all the rest. Like Scotland, they’ve got a tartan theme going. Unlike Scotland, however, they’ve kept it to a pre-existing national tartan in readily-accepted national colours: the red, black, and white Maple Leaf tartan. (Scotland has more national tartans that you can poke a stick at, quite a few of them in national colours… why invent a new tartan in such an unlikely combination of colours that the athletes are never going to be able to match to a sensible shirt and kilthose?). Bmf6P8nCcAAvP59Also unlike Scotland, they’ve turned the tartan into “track-suit” parts. But let’s be honest, when was the last time you saw tartan track pants? The potential for the Canadians to be running around Glasgow in what basically amounts to pajama pants places them firmly in the running for the Worst Uniform Competition.

Well, that covers Australia, Malaysia, Scotland, England, and Canada. I can’t find anything on India’s uniform, but I think we can all agree that as long as they don’t turn up in tartan saris, they’ll be all right. (If they do, they might be mistaken for the Scottish team. Tell me I’m not the only one who’s noticed the similarity between a sari and a feileadh mòr/ great kilt?).

So what about New Zealand? Any chance they’ll be wearing something as disgusting as Australia? Perhaps with styalised kiwis and sheep? (as an aside, I don’t get the sheep thing. Seriously, if anything, New Zealand should be known for its deer. They’re everywhere over there. And you can buy venison in the supermarket. I reckon we have more sheep in Australia.)

Somewhat disappointingly, New Zealand has one of the most sensible uniforms so far. They seem to be going with an All-Blacks theme.

Members of the New Zealand hockey team model the team uniform for the 2014 Commonwealth Games in Glasgow, with coach Mark Hagar (centre), NZ Olympic Committee secretary Kereyn Smith (second from right) and president Mike Stanley.
And yes, that’s what I’m disappointed about. Aside from being all black, they look like air stewardesses or a school uniform. Not Air New Zealand air stewardesses, though.
With the truly awesome way stewardesses on Air New Zealand dress, you’d think they could go with something a little more exciting than all black.

Ah, well, I shouldn’t complain. Or make fun of New Zealand, since they seem convinced that’s all we do. (It’s not true, by the way. Perhaps the eastern states make fun of New Zealand, but we in South Australia just make fun of the eastern states, and feel a certain sense of camaraderie with New Zealand. Possibly because we’re small and ignored compared to the noisy eastern states. Possibly because our school holidays synch up. Possibly because we have a lot of sheep.)

So, there you go. While everyone else was busy watching the soccer, and that whole Rolf Harris fiasco which I won’t get into, some other things happened. Hockey. Cycling. Cyclist-hating. More asylum seekers. More covering-up with regards to asylum seekers by the government. Tennis. Cricket. Commonwealth Games. And snow.

I’m not kidding, it actually snowed in South Australia. Would you believe it? Actually, it’s been freezing here recently.

Don’t laugh, Canadian and Scottish people. I’m serious. Our thermometer read -13* the other morning.

(Admittedly, that was the thermometer out the back, and the one out the front said +3*, but let’s not quibble, that’s still rediculously cold).

It’s foggy, and frosty, and it hailed once or twice before it got really cold and started hitting 0*. We weren’t sure why it never snows here, since it’s usually warmer than that if you go skiing (in Australia, anyway) and there’s snow there overnight. But we’ve come to the conclusion that the problem lies in that it only gets really truly freezing here at night, because it’s clear skies and nothing to trap the heat in, particularly up north where there are no trees like here in the Hills. So all the heat just disappears and your fingers turn blue in your sleep. As soon as you get a few decently-sized storm clouds that might constain snow, all our heat gets trapped in and its too warm.

Even as I sit here, I can see my breath. Hmm… perhaps it would be warmer in Scotland.