[Yes, yes, I know people get annoyed when I write in Gaelic and don’t provide a translation. That should be on the list, actually. But never mind, here’s the translation. New things I just thought of, and the odd translator’s note, are written like this].
… if Jamie MacCrimmon is your favourite Doctor Who character, but you’re a bit confused as to why he doesn’t speak Gaelic (and isn’t part of Clan Leod).
… if your accent is messed up. You can go from Lewis to Argyle to Canada in but one sentence.
… if you’ve waulked a bed-sheet. On stage.
… if someone’s accused you of speaking “Elvish” after hearing you speak Gaelic on the phone.
… if you’ve been invited to join the nearest Còisir Gàidhlig… and it’s only ten hours’ drive away.
… if you’re fed up with explaining that no, you don’t speak “Celtic”, you speak “Gaelic”.
… if you’re not quite sure about this whole “Clan” business… because your “clan” isn’t so important as being a Gael.
… if you’re fiercely proud of your language, but you only speak it when you’re around other Gaels.
… if you’ve only been to Scotland but once, and most of your knowledge of its geography is from classes at the Sgoilean Nàiseanta of the local Commun Gàidhlig or from classes by telephone with Sabhal Mòr Ostaig.
… if you can’t convince people that there are but seventeen (or eighteen) letters in your language, after they’ve seen it written down.
… if you’ve never visited Stornoway, but from what you’ve heard, it’s a massive cultural centre and metropolis.
… if you’ve heard the “garlic” jokes too many times.
… if you’ve heard and read every possible surprised reaction from Scottish Gaels on finding that you’re in Australia… where you were born and raised.
… [if you don’t care about your Clan but at the Highland Gathering, when you set up a tent to promote it].
… if a lot of your friends have the surname “MacLeod”, but at the Gathering, you hate them… because they’re tartan is so ghastly bright yellow.
… if you’ve punched the computer screen for telling you (again) that BBC Alba i-Player doesn’t play on your continent.
… if you’re annoyed by the assumption that you’re part of the English-speaking cultural majority… just because you’re white.
… [if you’re annoyed by the term “Anglo-Celtic”, because you’re not Anglo but just Celtic].
… [if you can properly use the Gaelic Gasp/ Swedish Schwoop… and know that what Stephen Fry did and said about it on QI was wrong].
… [if you get annoyed by the neopagans. Gaels are Christians, didn’t you know?]
… if you’re a Christian, but you’re not quite sure what to make of the Free Church.
… if you wish Clan Donald would shut up about Clencoe already!
… if you understand every word in “Outlander”.
… if you’re teaching Gaelic at the community centre, and more than half of the students are there only because they watched “Outlander”.
… if you suspect that Adhamh’s dialect is influencing all the actors on Outlander.
… if you still write fadas in both directions.
… if you write every letter in “am màireach”, “an uair”, “an nis”, and “an nochd”.
… if you write “cèilidh” with a “dh”, and you’re against any other spelling (such as “céili”).
… if you sometimes feel that you’re more Scottish that 99% of Scotland… just because you speak the language.
… if you yourself make up the entire youth section of your local Comunn Gàidhlig.
… if you can read Manx… but only with your eyes closed.
… if you are against tartans on principle (because they’re a product of English imperialism)… but sometimes the “Scottish Expat” part of you is stronger, and then you wear yours anyway.
… [if you know what Hogmanay is, but you still call it “New Year’s”, because that’s the literal translation from Gaelic].
… [if you avoid saying “glè mhath” because you know someone will make a whiskey joke if you do].
… if you didn’t watch “Outlander” for two years because the title of the first episode was spelt wrong.
… if you put “Scottish” on your high school application where it asked if you were part of another culture… and you were very annoyed when the school told you that “Scottish” wasn’t a different culture to “Australian”, and they wouldn’t believe you when you said that it meant you spoke another language.
… if you play fiddle at cèilidhs, bush dances, and on stage… but you are annoyed when Australians play “nighean donn bhòidheach” so fast. It’s a broken-hearted air, not a jig.
… if you only met your grandparents but once or twice, but you had “grandmothers” and “grandfathers” in many elderly Gaels.
… if you argued with a high school teacher over “indigenous” people. You’re indigenous, but you just don’t live in the place you’re indigenous to. Yes, you have white skin, but the English conquered and suppressed your ancestors, too.
… if you know the names of individual fruits and vegetables, but you didn’t understand the phrase “glasraichean ‘us measan” the first time your teacher said it to you.
… if you know the English equivalent of every Gaelic name, but you can’t always explain the connection between he two.
… if you know the difference between a “surname” and a “sloinneadh”.
… if you know the difference between a “native speaker”, a “lapsed native speaker”, a “background speaker”, a “background learner”, and a “raised background speaker”.
… if you know the date of the Battle of Culloden. It wasn’t in 1745.
… if you know that your language was once the third-most-spoken language in Australia, after English and Irish.
… if you know that Gaels are Gaels. But you can’t understand why the Irish won’t speak to you if you’re not Irish.
… if you know that there was once a bill taken to the Canadian parliament to make Gaelic the third official language.
… if you know someone who can only swear and pray in Gaelic (and you know that the two things are basically one and the same).
… if you know exactly how many Australian words are actually Gaelic.
… if you get really angry when someone says to you that Gaelic is a dead (or dying) language.
… if you get frustrated when a fellow Gael (or aspiring Gael) has an untranslatably English name, because you never know how to address them. Just how does the vocative case work with a name beginning with “J”?
… if you didn’t put the newly-translated “Sòisgeul Eòin” (Gospel of John) down for a week after it arrived. (You had no idea Scripture could be that gripping).
… if your version of the Irish national anthem goes: “Sinne fianna fail… a tha faoi gheall ag Èirinn… chan eil fìos agam… mu dheidhinn na faclan!” [“We are the brave heroes… that are fighting for Ireland… I don’t know… the words!”]
… if you’ve ever travelled to another city for a weekend Irish-language school… just because you’re curious.
… if you use the word “Gàidhealtachd” to mean “Highlands”, even though you know that the real Gaeltachd is in na h-Eileanan Siar.
… if you speak German… only because so many Gaelic-learners are from Germany. Why is that, anyway?
… if you prefer Am Briathrachas over Dwelly’s, but to be honest, that new dictionary with sound files on learngaelic.net trumps both!
… if you play Rùnrig on the radio just to prove that all Gaelic music isn’t boring, traditional, slow sean-nòs (which you love).
… if you know what shinty is.
… if you know the difference between “walking” and “waulking”.
… if you follow the caman scores.
… if you find it amusing that Seumaidh Friseal calls Clare “mo nighean donn”, and you sing “ho-rò mo nighean donn bhòidheachd” every time he does.
… if you’ve loved the song “Is Gàidheil Mi-i-i-i-i” from the first time you heard it, and you vowed to learn it.
… if you can understand Irish, but Irish-speakers say that they can’t understand you.
… if you know when fiddlers know the words of the tunes they’re playing.
… if you can remember the time when there was no Gaelic on the internet.
… if you can pronounce “a dh’fhaithgheàrr”, but no-one believes you when you do.
… if you call shinty “caman(achd)”.
… if you’re afraid you’ll forget your own language.
… if the thing you want most in the world to do is go to the Royal National Mòd.
… if one of your parents (and all her side of the family) don’t understand Gaelic. And most of the other side of your family doesn’t speak Gaelic either.
… if more than half the songs you know are about how evil the English are.
… if there are towns in Scotland whose names you only know in Gaelic.
… [if you always need a moment to connect “Fort William” to “Gearasdan” and vice-versa].
… if a Lewis accent is the most amusing thing you can hear.
… if you’re a subscriber to several FaceBook groups consisting entirely of pictures of signage misprints in Scotland.
… if you can sing three verses of “O Fhlùir na h-Alba”, but you don’t know the words in English!
… if you wanted to learn the bagpipes when you were small.
… if you resent being called a “Scot”, because you’re not; you’re a Gael!
… if you became a radio presenter just because the newest presenter on Scottish Radio Hour was anti-Gaelic.
… if the history of your people begins and ends with the Clearances.
… if you watched dodgily-taped episodes of Dòtaman, even though it hasn’t shown on television since years before you were born.
… if you call television “taidhsearachd”.
… if you call Bob the Builder “Calum Chlachair”.
… [if you can sing the Postman Pat theme song, but only in Gaelic (it’s Pàdraig Post)].
… if “the Koala Brothers” dubbed into Gaelic is the best thing you’ve ever seen on television!
… if you understand the spoilers on “Outlander”, because they’re in Gaelic.
… [if you were the only one in the cinema getting the joke about the name of the bear in “Brave”].
… if you wrote in Gaelic online for Gaelic Twitter Day.
… if you’re sure “Suas leis a’ Ghàidhlig” is the national anthem of Scotland (because it’s more stirring than “O Flower of Scotland”).
… if you’re forty years younger than every other Gael in your state.
… if you did a Welsh-language short course, but you got annoyed with the other students for being so slow… initial consonant mutations aren’t such a difficult concept to grasp! [translator’s note: this one worked better in Gaelic, because the entire phrase “initial consonant mutations” is one word, “sèimheachadh”].
… if you did Scottish Country Dancing when you were younger.
… if you’ve dropped in on the Cornish-language class at the Celtic festival… just out of interest.
… if you know that Gaelic and Scots aren’t related. Your language is just called “Gaelic”… isn’t not “Scots Gaelic” at all. [Google Translate, take note].
… [if you’ve ever spent ten minutes explaining the difference between Scots and Gaelic].
… if you’ve seen every Gaelic-language video on YouTube… and you’ve seen every Irish-language video on YouTube… and you’re thinking of watching the Welsh-language videos just for fun.
… if you are translating silly “You Know You’re If” memes into and from Gaelic.
… if everyone knows your clan from your name, but no-one cares one white about it so long as you speak Gaelic!
… if you’re not sure you’re writing proper Gaelic, and you’re afraid someone will call you “àmadan” and tell you “your Gaelic is like a small child or a Gall”.